You know

Whats really bothersome? When you have that one friend who’s always busy, it seems too busy to even hang out woth you. But you’re not the clingy one in the group. Your the one that gets ignored. Thats how I feel.

I miss the time when I had friends. Like multiple groups, because when one friend got to busy for me, I could move on. But college life sucks that way if your a shy person, you only get a limited number of friends, and sometimes even then you feel like you don’t belong. I try. I know they get just as bored as I do being stuck in doors, so I’ll suggest something and it gets shot down. For one excuse or another…”I’m lazy” “it’s hot” and if on a miracle they decide my idea is worth leaving the apartment they complain the entire time.
They try and playcate me or the situation by saying they’re just in a complaining mood but they fail to notice how bad that ends up making me feel. I just want to enjoy some time with them….but its like it doesnt matter how much fun we have or anything the bad out ways the good.
Only one of my 3 friends is even willing to go out, adventuring with me on those drerily boring days, but shes home half the time. So its whatever…I dont blame her. At least when she’s at her boyfriends she gets to do things.
But that leaves me at home with no one. The other two….they find a reason to leave, or leave me out. I get stuck home more often or not with the one friend of ours that probably hates human interaction. Qhy the other two think that’s a good idea I dont know.

Its just frustrating! I dont know what to do, I don’t know if I have to stand up for what im feeling or just tey and smoosh it down. Is it significant? This feeling of loneliness? I mean….I kmow that if I swallow it, it’ll likely make me feel like crap a hell of a lot more later but….if I say anything…they’ll ignore me. Or playcate me with some worthless sorry and pretend they feel bad but then the same pattern will start to happen.
I hate feeling useless…lonely….I get depressed and start feeling like crap and it doesn’t go away until I do something drastic.

Its sad….I’m likely to spend all four years of my collage career depressed….that was never apart of the plan.
I joined a club to get out there but…they’re not my friends, they’re people I’ll compete with. They dont know me and dont seem to want to. In class im awkward a flip, have one friend in class. As a group we have 2 other friends out sode but….they dont hang out with us.
There’s a difference between seeing someone….and spending time with them, hanging out with them. I dont have that….I have people I see all the time, who dont want to hang out with me, because they see me alot. Do they not know how worthless that makes me feel. No….they do….they just dont care. no one cares that I feel….really fucking lonely.

Okay Bitch, Its My Turn To Talk.

You may be 59 years old but sadly time onky made you the dumbest flipping cow on the planet. Im sad to say we’re related. When the hell did you think you could talk to people the way you do? No one died and made you queen of anything. You sit on your high hourae, which is actually lower then me and everyone else in the family, and pertend that you know whats best. We let you be the matriarch of the family for too fucking long because you pretended you were better off, well looky looky your poorer then me an educated college student. I dont ask my grandmother for money til I have notjing which is only ever once in a blue moon but you? YOU have to as your own daughter to pay your shit every fucking month, and yet you still continue tto rack up credit card debt that im sure will rival my college debts qhen I graduate. You know nothing. You attack me, I didnt bat an eye because who the hell wants to argue with a clinical retard like you. But you made a mistake in attackkng my grandmother, your own fucking sister and you were sure as hell suprosed when I out yelled you. You think you know mw, you know thing, you dont. And even though I walked out I still won. You bitch and moaned and my grandmother cut you out, and then I won again. You called back, crying and bitching and I was the bigger person and got her to empower her self. She may be old but she sure as hell dont need you but I got her to forgive you. Me. Not you. Me. And now you go and make another fucking mistake. You attack the one other person in my life that I will always be there for. You attacked my cousin, my best friend, my sister. You old bitch are in for one hell of a rude awakening. I dont just get angry, bitch I get even.


fuck this post

20 Cents of Good Luck

The other day, I found exactly 20 cents on the ground in pennies. It was outside of a starbucks, so I’m assuming someone tossed out their change…or maybe a couple of someones. But what made them lucky was the fact that each of the 20 pennies that I collected off that pavement was facing heads up, a universal sign of good luck. So..whats that mean for me? Who the flip knows, but it sure did bring a smile to my face.

But beyond the news of 20 cents of good luck randomly deposited into my life, I’ve been taking my summer session one day at a time. At least these two classes only last a month, and English-despite the teacher giving of an air of superiority and his affinity to remind us all that plagiarism is against school policy (helloooo mr grad student, we have made it this far, duh) the topic I have picked for his research paper is going to be fun.

Research and fun in the same sentence? Oh the HORROR, well not for me. I’m writing about sex and the Taboo that surrounds sex, sexual education and sexuality that keeps people from talking about it openly. Like honestly, what the fuck is wrong with sex. We all do it, or we’ve all thought about it, hell possibly seen it (the enternet is for porn after all) and yet if the topic is broached in public one must shy away and blush. Unless your a man and your joking about your latest shag. God forbid you a chick who screwed someone good last night and wanted to mention it. Shammmmmmme the woman. Lest thats how it seems to be portrayed to me. Everyone who knows me knows i’ve never understood the taboo. Yes there might be things that make me of all people blush, but then I look into it, research it, read it enough that whatever the sexual act is, it simply becomes another means of human expression between the sheets. I mean, yes there are things i know i will never do, but unless its the one and only sexual deviant that literally means your a psycho/sociopath i’m not gonna judge and say your sick. Just…keep it away from me.

That’s how it should be. Sex should be open and information easily accessible to those who don’t know, understand or simply never thought to question the norms surrounding these ideals. That’s what my paper’s gonna be about. I was never afraid to ask my grandmother about sex, why the hell am I gonna blush when I hand my five page paper in for a grade in college. I’m Not. Part of me slightly hopes I shock his socks off, knock him down a step because seriously….this graduate student teaching out class has one hell of a superiority complex that rubs me the wrong way. 

Beyond English, is Geology. I’ve made my first friend. He’s a senior and no I don’t exactly know his name but hell…half of my friends it took me forever to remember their names and stop switching them with similar sounding names. I still have that problem and don’t get going on the spellings. So far so good, the lecture is like a history class of rocks, the lab is like a quick questionnaire and I just did the first bout of homework and I doubt the TA covering this class is gonna look too closely seeing as he gave hints and answers (purposefully) on the hand out. This class seems like it’ll be easy for a science.

Moot court is going good, still working and tweaking that argument. its hard to explain….the first scrimmage is coming closer and its gonna add to my anxiety for sure. lol we’ll see how that goes. it’ll be good for me though, i’m sure. in the long run. 

but as for the short run….well my future consists of chocolate because HELLO i am a girl and whatever I can find on tv until my roommate come home to complain about her day. She might be a rainbow but she knows how to kick up a storm lol jk jk jk. 


Sometimes I feel like the last little corgi in the box thats too eager and no one wants….

Argument for tryouts for Moot Court

I’m trying out for Moot court this month, essentially its like debate only we’re arguing on one court case for an entire year. Next years court case is on the sonogram law, only for an imaginary state of Olympus. I chose to argue why the procedure requirement of a trans-vaginal ultrasound is in violation of the 14th amendment because it creates and undue burden on the woman seeking an abortion. Anyways…here’s my argument.

According to Proposition 417 if the State of Olympus, women seeking and abortion must submit to a trans-vaginal ultrasound procedure, and according to section two of this proposition, failure to do so will result in a $500-$5000 fine and/or possible jail time of 30-60 days. This creates an undue burden on the woman seeking an abortion, such as in the case of Appellant, Ms. Andrea Sommerville. Ms. Sommerville sought an abortion after finding out she was eight weeks pregnant only to learn that in order to obtain one, per the state law, she must first undergo a trans-vaginal ultrasonic procedure.
As determined by Webster v Reproductive Health Services and later upheld by Planned Parenthood of Southeastern Pennsylvania V Casey, viability is where the “line should be drawn” between the woman’s right to terminate and the states interesting in prohibiting abortion. Webster put the marker of viability at 20 weeks, stating that it was essentially a “presumption of viability.” The courts found “un-contradicted medical evidence” establishing that a fetus before and at 20 weeks was not viable, but after that there was a “4-week error in estimating gestational age,” thus making 20 a good mark between not viable and viable. There was no question of viability in Ms. Sommerville’s case because she was seeking an abortion after only eight weeks of pregnancy, well below that 20 week marker, yet she was subjected to an unnecessary state mandated procedure, meant to “monitor an unborn child” under threat of a $500-$5000 fine and or possible jail time, that in and of itself creates and undue burden on Ms. Sommerville.
As defined by Casey an undue burden exists if and when a “substantial obstacle” is placed in the path of the woman seeking and abortion, Casey also states that “it is a promise of the Constitution that there is a realm of personal liberty which the government may not enter,” this trans-vaginal ultrasound requirement, by threat of financial and legal punishment, breaks that constitutional promise of personal liberty. Not only is the procedure intrusive but it’s unnecessary, in section on of the proposition 417, it defines an ultrasound as means of using “ultrasonic waves for diagnostic or therapeutic purposes, specifically to monitor an unborn child.” The State of Olympus forced Ms. Sommerville into an unnecessary procedure to monitor her “unborn child,” even though she was seeking an abortion well before the viability marker for the fetus to even be considered a “child.” Yes the state has a “legitimate interest in preserving and protecting” the mothers health and that of the “potentiality of human life”, as upheld by Casey, but they are limited by the constitution to interfering with the woman’s “most basic decisions about family and parenthood, as well as bodily integrity,” and this trans-vaginal ultrasound interfered with Ms. Sommerville’s decision about her body and it is an obstacle that the state is placing before her and any other woman seeking an abortion in the State of Olympus. The ultrasound is for “diagnostic and therapeutic purposes,” but there was no legitimate medical reason for her to have to undergo that procedure, beyond promoting the states own interests in “normal child birth.”
Casey recognized the “individual to be free from unwarranted governmental intrusion into matters…affecting a person as the decision whether to bear or beget a child,” and they upheld the right for the woman to terminate before the fetus reached viability at 20 weeks. The state could require a woman be informed of the “available” information about the risks surrounding an abortion, but they could not place an obstacle in the way of the woman and her final decision to terminate, and yet her we have the State of Olympus doing so with their unnecessary requirement, under the threat of financial and legal punishment, to obtain a trans-vaginal ultrasound, thusly creating an undue burden on Ms. Sommerville.

Time to wander… :)

So it’s no secret to…well anyone, from my roomates (Smile-le, Rainbow-bow, and Carebear) to my family, that this year has been rough one me. A lot has happend, alot of good and a lot of bad and a lot of “I dont know’s.” I made every decision as best as I could, I cried rivers and lakes, hell even oceans have poored from my eyes. 2013 gave way to 2014 and while I had my moments where I tried to at least pertend that I was strong and wasn’t going to be brought down by the collecting emotional issues but in the end only therapy was helpful. (Even then only a bit, but that bit was enough off my shoulders to make things breathable again.)
I’m sure there is going to be more to come, life would be far to easy, not to mention boring, if there wasn’t. Today is the last day of school (although I was done wensday, gotta love being an art student.) Everyone’s packing up and going home, my roommates and I are sticking around til june (all but Smile-le who’s skippen town tonight, I beleive) but the summer has officially began. Its officially here. And honestly, I cant help feeling the happest that I’ve been all year long. Like…its time to just….wander.
Life is a journy, a crazy, twisting, slightly dark and scary, but beautiful journy that is going to take me my entire life just to get to my destination. Maybe along the way, I’ll meet someone to continue that journy with me, but for the first time in the world, I’m actually happy to try braving it on my own. I know I have serious issues with being alone and abandoned, but I think this time I need that alone time. I want to find out what I want, where I want to go, where my wondering will take me. And I’m going to do just that. I’m tired of worrying about hurting someone’s feelings becasue I’m saying no to them, or not doing what they said when they say it…Its my turn. If your feelings get hurt then, honestly I’m really sorry, dont take it personally, but now is the time for me.
This summer I’m going to focus on me, and next year one me, and the year after on me, and however long it takes for me until I know me and not who everyone wants me to be.
I think it’s about time for that, so…sorry if I miss you, I’m out wandering for a bit.


Now I kinda want to avoid regular social media, aka facebook, because I know will is here. His damn images shows up on my feed and Its just torture. UGHH This is to fucking difficult.

*Sigh*, okay….

When I was a little girl, I would day dream about what my first relationship would be like. What it would feel like the first time I was kissed, the first time I fell in love, the first time I had sex with someone I deeply cared about. I would spend hours day dreaming, I’d play games with my cousins and have these pretend boyfriends and pretend families and make believe this perfect little world in which I was surrounded in this…this love. 

I had very little to base it off of, beyond that of my grandmother and my grandfather, who were both older then life and filled with such wisdom, and on top of that, there were the stereotypical, preconceived notion that society seemed to paint for me. I tried not to let it completely run my make believe but I’m sure inklings of it did. I never wanted a relationship where I had to compete for someone’s attention, compete to keep someone’s attention, play games or hide, cheat or lie…but somehow my first two relationships turned out to be exactly that. 

I’m not proud of myself. I’m not proud of who I became, romantically at least. Jury is still out about the rest of me. I was the kid, the little girl, for the most part that is, that was always giving out advice. I prided myself on the knowledge that I had somehow been graced with about what it meant to be in a good, working relationship. I would sit back at watch, assess, gather information from many sources, popular media, history, both personal and non personal, copy, cut and paste together this definition of what it meant to be in a loving relationship.  

I gave advice to countless people, guys and girls who needed an ear and some words on what they should do concerning a loved one, crush, romantic feelings in general. Part of me believed…maybe still believes that Aphrodite herself graced me with some magical “know-it-all” power concerning cupid and his pesky arrows. But If I had all this knowledge…how did I end up here. 

I guess I can count my lucky stars that I’ve never been in a physically abusive relationship, I wont allow myself to ever be in one. Least I hope my future self can agree me there. But…I have somehow become tangled in an emotionally abusive one. Two toxic relationships, yet in very different ways. 

With Pele, I felt that I had suddenly conquered the world because I had her at my side and she was mine. But the more and more I think about it, remember how I felt about her, it just doesn’t add up to love. I didn’t really love her love her in that way, I loved her as a friend though out all of it and I think that’s why losing her as a friend honestly hurt more and took more out of me because for a long time all I had was friends. I wish her well in life. It took me a long time before I could honestly say that, but I really do. I may not agree with her decisions, her choices, but they are her’s to make. All I could do was sit back and help her, but not anymore. That’s not my job. She has to learn to help herself, if she ever needs to. Just like I need to help myself and sitting around waiting to be that best friend in the shadows is not something that will help me in the long run. 

So this is to you Pele, if you ever see this. I’m moving on. In every way. Thank you for your time, you were great, I was great, we were what each other needed once upon a time. But the thing about time is that it’s constantly moving and changing and our time is no more. When you find yourself missing a best friend, go out and make one. The gods only know they graced you with the ability to attract people like magnets. Don’t let how we fell apart stop you from trusting the next person who’s ready to be your friend. Live life, Love life, it’s too short to be lonely and there are far to many people in the world for you not to find a friend. 

I guess that is a lesson I need to learn myself. I used to look forward to college, to life as an adult. I used to believe that if there are close to 6 billion people on this planet, that chances are I am going to meet nearly a 100 people a day. Simply through random interactions, though passing moments. And during those moments I would meet the people who were really meant to be and stay in my life, yet here I am in my second year of college, nearly curled in a ball and crying my eyes out because of this vacant hole in my….stomach? Heart? Brain? Body…that is lonely. I am so fucking lonely, but it’s entirely of my own making.

I tried to fill that hole with Will. I felt a kindred spirit with him, I felt like of all the people in the world he would know how it felt to feel like me. And maybe there was a time where he and I would have worked out, but it passed us. And yet I still hung on…hang on. I became the “other woman” because “you can’t help who you love.” No but you can respect when. I didn’t. It wasn’t that I believed he should leave her for me, hell had that happened I’d have run scared.  When we finally got our chance, he got bored. Or scared himself. Maybe he had spent too long in his lonely-ness that he forgot what it felt like to not be, maybe I was just filling a hole with the nearest subject. He was my first love. The entire year of 2013 I spent in love with him, but these last three months…haven’t been love. They’ve been hell. 

Teetering between friend and…benefits, between yours and not yours, between love and…not quite…the known and the unknown. Its all accumulated into the this crying mess that has become me and I’m sick of it. 

So this one is to you Will…should you ever find my blog with your supposed computer skills. You had me, and you had her. You led me to believe in some bull shit that, I’m pretty sure even you believe, that you honestly and truly cared about me…but…but what? If that was the case, why not be with me? Military? Experience? What? What was it….? I think I finally figured it out, you let your ace in the hole show. Sadly, when you said “…It just sucks because I wanted that one….” you weren’t referring to me. I don’t know who you were referring to, because If you had really wanted her, then why did you do all that you did with me. If you really wanted me, then…well. You get the picture. And so do I. 

I need to find myself again. I need to get back to where I was before all this, to being the person that looks life in the eye and says “Bitch, please…do your worst” and continues to defy every thing she throws my way. 

My name is Dorothy Lynn Hammett Walker, I am not who you think I am. I am not some persons girlfriend, I am not everyone’s mother, I am not just getting up every day because I have to. But because I want to. I will continue my schooling, until I feel I have learned all that I need. I am not just and Art student, nor am I only a photographer. I am a creator. I think up worlds, make up stories, create things that are a 100% unique because I am one of a kind. There is no one on this planet that is like me in any way, and there never will be. The time is here, the Time is now. As wibbly wobbly as it can possibly be, and Its about time I jump on the Tardis with the Doctor and see where life takes me. I only have one, might as well make it worth it.