Now I kinda want to avoid regular social media, aka facebook, because I know will is here. His damn images shows up on my feed and Its just torture. UGHH This is to fucking difficult.
When I was a little girl, I would day dream about what my first relationship would be like. What it would feel like the first time I was kissed, the first time I fell in love, the first time I had sex with someone I deeply cared about. I would spend hours day dreaming, I’d play games with my cousins and have these pretend boyfriends and pretend families and make believe this perfect little world in which I was surrounded in this…this love.
I had very little to base it off of, beyond that of my grandmother and my grandfather, who were both older then life and filled with such wisdom, and on top of that, there were the stereotypical, preconceived notion that society seemed to paint for me. I tried not to let it completely run my make believe but I’m sure inklings of it did. I never wanted a relationship where I had to compete for someone’s attention, compete to keep someone’s attention, play games or hide, cheat or lie…but somehow my first two relationships turned out to be exactly that.
I’m not proud of myself. I’m not proud of who I became, romantically at least. Jury is still out about the rest of me. I was the kid, the little girl, for the most part that is, that was always giving out advice. I prided myself on the knowledge that I had somehow been graced with about what it meant to be in a good, working relationship. I would sit back at watch, assess, gather information from many sources, popular media, history, both personal and non personal, copy, cut and paste together this definition of what it meant to be in a loving relationship.
I gave advice to countless people, guys and girls who needed an ear and some words on what they should do concerning a loved one, crush, romantic feelings in general. Part of me believed…maybe still believes that Aphrodite herself graced me with some magical “know-it-all” power concerning cupid and his pesky arrows. But If I had all this knowledge…how did I end up here.
I guess I can count my lucky stars that I’ve never been in a physically abusive relationship, I wont allow myself to ever be in one. Least I hope my future self can agree me there. But…I have somehow become tangled in an emotionally abusive one. Two toxic relationships, yet in very different ways.
With Pele, I felt that I had suddenly conquered the world because I had her at my side and she was mine. But the more and more I think about it, remember how I felt about her, it just doesn’t add up to love. I didn’t really love her love her in that way, I loved her as a friend though out all of it and I think that’s why losing her as a friend honestly hurt more and took more out of me because for a long time all I had was friends. I wish her well in life. It took me a long time before I could honestly say that, but I really do. I may not agree with her decisions, her choices, but they are her’s to make. All I could do was sit back and help her, but not anymore. That’s not my job. She has to learn to help herself, if she ever needs to. Just like I need to help myself and sitting around waiting to be that best friend in the shadows is not something that will help me in the long run.
So this is to you Pele, if you ever see this. I’m moving on. In every way. Thank you for your time, you were great, I was great, we were what each other needed once upon a time. But the thing about time is that it’s constantly moving and changing and our time is no more. When you find yourself missing a best friend, go out and make one. The gods only know they graced you with the ability to attract people like magnets. Don’t let how we fell apart stop you from trusting the next person who’s ready to be your friend. Live life, Love life, it’s too short to be lonely and there are far to many people in the world for you not to find a friend.
I guess that is a lesson I need to learn myself. I used to look forward to college, to life as an adult. I used to believe that if there are close to 6 billion people on this planet, that chances are I am going to meet nearly a 100 people a day. Simply through random interactions, though passing moments. And during those moments I would meet the people who were really meant to be and stay in my life, yet here I am in my second year of college, nearly curled in a ball and crying my eyes out because of this vacant hole in my….stomach? Heart? Brain? Body…that is lonely. I am so fucking lonely, but it’s entirely of my own making.
I tried to fill that hole with Will. I felt a kindred spirit with him, I felt like of all the people in the world he would know how it felt to feel like me. And maybe there was a time where he and I would have worked out, but it passed us. And yet I still hung on…hang on. I became the “other woman” because “you can’t help who you love.” No but you can respect when. I didn’t. It wasn’t that I believed he should leave her for me, hell had that happened I’d have run scared. When we finally got our chance, he got bored. Or scared himself. Maybe he had spent too long in his lonely-ness that he forgot what it felt like to not be, maybe I was just filling a hole with the nearest subject. He was my first love. The entire year of 2013 I spent in love with him, but these last three months…haven’t been love. They’ve been hell.
Teetering between friend and…benefits, between yours and not yours, between love and…not quite…the known and the unknown. Its all accumulated into the this crying mess that has become me and I’m sick of it.
So this one is to you Will…should you ever find my blog with your supposed computer skills. You had me, and you had her. You led me to believe in some bull shit that, I’m pretty sure even you believe, that you honestly and truly cared about me…but…but what? If that was the case, why not be with me? Military? Experience? What? What was it….? I think I finally figured it out, you let your ace in the hole show. Sadly, when you said “…It just sucks because I wanted that one….” you weren’t referring to me. I don’t know who you were referring to, because If you had really wanted her, then why did you do all that you did with me. If you really wanted me, then…well. You get the picture. And so do I.
I need to find myself again. I need to get back to where I was before all this, to being the person that looks life in the eye and says “Bitch, please…do your worst” and continues to defy every thing she throws my way.
My name is Dorothy Lynn Hammett Walker, I am not who you think I am. I am not some persons girlfriend, I am not everyone’s mother, I am not just getting up every day because I have to. But because I want to. I will continue my schooling, until I feel I have learned all that I need. I am not just and Art student, nor am I only a photographer. I am a creator. I think up worlds, make up stories, create things that are a 100% unique because I am one of a kind. There is no one on this planet that is like me in any way, and there never will be. The time is here, the Time is now. As wibbly wobbly as it can possibly be, and Its about time I jump on the Tardis with the Doctor and see where life takes me. I only have one, might as well make it worth it.
Like no this is a serious question, does anyone else out there know the answer because I sure as hell don’t anymore. I like one guy, he’s kind and sweet and a really good friend. Not like a best friend, or like uber close friend, in fact I honestly know very little about him despite knowing him for about a year now. He does little things, sweet things, everyone around me says its obvious that he likes me but I dont understand it, and I don’t wanna jump forward and tell him that I kinda, sorta like him becasue even If he’s not my best friend or even a really close friend, he’s like one of my only friends in a few of my classes. My only studdy partner for one and I don’t want to mess that up. If he were to ask me out then i’d be game, I’d totally take him up on that. Granted he’d probably have to do so away from my friends bc the two times he’s been damn near close, my friends kinda selfenvite themselves along. I know he’s a shy guy, but i’m also a shy girl and ughhhh on top of that there’s will.
Will will will mother flipping will. Granted its my own fault too bc I guess I dont know how to not be flirty at times like last night and he doesnt know how to simply be my friend and not send me pictures that make me wish he was right next to me and not miles away. Thats another thing, he’s miles a flipping way! why does this still matter to me, my dear lord god all mighty i dont get it anymore. I dont get anything.
maybe this is all the splitting headache and my growling tummy talking but never the less this shit needs to be delt with :/
I am still sick! This has been two full months now, January I just thought it was the sniffles and that it would retreat and leave me in peace, but noooo it continued to wage war on me all though Febuary and the Doctor said it was a sinus infection and gave me meds but this…this monster…this infection was way stronger then we anticipated and it continued to attack me in my weak state. But alas, this Friday I shall be seeing the Doctor again and maybe, just maybe, she will find a way to beat this infection and I shall pervail. If not…then I am afraid that all hope may be lost, that the sneezing and sniffeling and caughing might win and I shall die a miserable death by snot.
You know…I really wish this had happend in my Latin class. I would have be all the more eager to learn it lol
My favorite part of any episode of this show is to watch how Giles is 600% done with everybody.
As days tick by, and weeks fly forward, I claw at my throat, nose, and eyes, crying out to the gods to remove this curse of allergies they seem to have put upon me? Like seriously, what did I ever do to you Zeus, your royal man-whore-ness? Jk, he know’s I love him, this is our playful banter you see.
Be it the gods that curse me, or actually nature that is getting its revenge upon me and my kind for simply not reducing the amount of litter that grows yearly, these allergies are a buzz kill. Granted the first antibiotic of this year was not caused by the same apparent sinus infection that reeks havoc on my now, I have had to deal with two and probably by next Friday my total count will have reached three antibiotic’s in the course of what? Two months? Well then again next week starts March, so can I count that as one antibiotic for each month??? Ugh math, months, days, sneezing and puffy eyes…if your catching my drift, THIS SUCKS. Yep, sucks big, hairy, monkey balls. I no like.
But beyond the dreary-ness that courses though my swollen sinuses, I’m just not physically there. I want to sleep, yet I want to be surrounded by people and hopefully gain some of their people skills, I actually want to interact. But alas my group of friends are kind of just as reclusive as I am, and thus I sit upon my couch watching reruns of shows I’ve long since memorized.
I did go on a date….? Can I call it a date, what makes a date? I mean…I don’t know. I like him, he’s sweet, cute and fully of witty banter and he can take a picture, and quote movies, usually on I have seen. I asked him to Asian food-shocker I know. Me and those sauces are not friends, but I can stand dumplings and curry, and it was a plus that I know its his favorite food. It wasn’t awkward at all, okay so maybe some of the moments were naturally awkward as the conversation came to a small stop and I looked over the menu like a million times, despite the fact that he and I both already knew that I was only going to order the yellow curry. I mean I guess technically it was a “lunch-date” but will I admit that to anyone? Hells know, I shall defend it as a lunch and simply wait till he himself refers to it as a date or he ask me out on one.
I don’t know, my level of consistent sicky-ness, and his seemingly stressed and busy daily life I have know understanding or belief that something may or may not happen. I don’t want to slam the door shut upon myself, but I don’t want to expect it to be wide open and ready for me to stroll on through. Things never work that way, that’s two easy.
I guess once again time will tell, and in the meantime I can flirt and smile and bat my eyelashes upon those I see fit. Like shop guy. Hmm now he’s a dorky piece of wax carving goodness. Seriously, he’s always carving wax as he tends to the workshop when i’m in my eight am sculpture class. I’m sure there’s another tool I wouldn’t mind learning how to use……
No, seriously-Like every tool in that shop I need to be shown how to use, personally, with someone on stand by in case I like break something. For example to day when I managed to pop a ban saw off its track, break it and then break the tiny scroll saw! I need someone on standby to help me, and damn it its a plus if he’s cute and I can possibly take him home with me.
Aw well its late, I should get some sleep. I know time will tell me how things will fare for the lack of love life i’m experiencing, but I never said it would be easy for me to let go and I sure as hell didn’t say I wouldn’t complain. Least I’m not picking up a dwarf, a dog on a dog, and a huge monster, all the wile twisting and turning down a labyrinth after a sexy goblin king and yelling “Its not fair!”
"ITS NOT FAIR!!!!!!"
So…I think its safe to say that the opposite sex does, indeed find me attractive. Some are creepers, some are sexie in their own way, some i’m attracted to, some make me want to run away, change my name and get reconstructive surgy. Least thats the experiancse I have thus far recieved.
But…as much as I want a good roll in between the sheets, gasping for air and a wonderful sleep that knocks me and them out for quite sometime, only to wake up and do it all over again, I want more.
Lets face it, I am a cheesy girl. My grandmother raised me on RomComs from the 70’s, 80’s and the 90’s, by the time the 2000s hit, I had already see the best and now they were just being remade. I went overbored with the rich bitch who fell in love with the carpenter that technically kid napped her, I danced with patric swazy pertending I was baby, I was pretty in pink and feel in love with the bad boy from detention. I want the cheese, I want the guy who gives me flowers, who makes me something from his heart. Who decides to go on a walk with me because he’s bored and simply being with me is intertainment enough. Who will tell me to shut up, sit down and finish my work, be quite and watch the movie/show when im confused and start asking all those questions we all know i do. Someone who will listen to me gush on and on about doctor who with an amused smile on their face, and then to shut me up and appease me, sit down and endure hours upon hours of episodes to get caught up. someone who will pull me and push me out of my comfort zone, but be there and hold me when i’ve gone too far too fast and want the firmilure again. Of course I want sex, great sex, awesome sex but….i’ve gone down that rode enough times now to prove what i already knew. sex does not equal love. Sex is fun, and some people can have sex and fun and all of that and it can work wonders for them. But for me….I need all that cheesy shit to happen along with the wonderfully awesome sex.
Not to toot my own horn, but I’d be the perfect girl friend. I’m not looking for marriage (Not til i’m 30 and or have been with this person for a shit tone of time like….10 years lol aka 30) just love. I want to be loved as much a I love them. I might not be able to cook but damn it, I can make a hello of a sandwich and as long as its not demanded of me, I dont mind making them. I’m shy on the outside, wild with my friends, passionate about what and who I love and damn I am a challenge. I always keep you on your toes. And this little nerd girl might be shyly readying a book, but my mind is filled with wonderful things ;)
Problem is finding the right guy, who’s willing to see all this. I dont know, my instincts are shot here. My heart has been through the ringer quite a few times and my brain has finally taking over control. I might wear my heart on my sleeves, but its speaking code that no one else knows.
hufflepuff was the only girl i’ve been with, i still consider myself bisexual. I just havent found a woman that has made me gasp in aw as she walked by, taken my breath away…I think its because I have a need for being dominated and most girls I come across are submissive. Will…was well will. Shit happens and while he doesnt make my heart stop as he once did, doesnt make me blush at the sight of him, doesnt make me quiver with romantic butterflies, he still manages to make me smile. Make me feel better, he’s seen all I have to offer and loves me and is my best friend, but thats all we’re ment to be-even if we can tease eachother to the point that can be problematic. king crab was just well….a king who wanted me under his will and that didnt work well with me. I gave him my virginity, but that in no way ment he held some specialness. I could care less about him right now, but he did make the first experiance interesting. he just didnt have the cheesy. None of them have had the cheesy.
Some times I feel like monica and i’m looking for my channler, will is my richard but thats about it.
I dont know….tis new guy….photo guy…magic man…who knows what his nick name will be, one hasnt stuck yet. he’s shy and interesting, he teases me and makes quips and we banter in a friendly way. I wanna see where it goes…but im scared of delving into one person again. wasting time trying to catch the attention of someone that looks through me and past me rather then at me. but i’ll never know unless i try, unless i fly or fall and skin my knees,i’ll never know. Time will..change will….life will…I wont. I never do….and as time ticks by…I’m slowly starting to accept that.